Point Independence, Massachusetts
July 4, 2004
My dearest son, Avery Elazar (aka Elazar ben Yaakov),
When I cut your umbilical cord, I said out loud -- "You are your own man."
I hadn't prepared that little pronouncement; it came out spontaneously. Though you were freed of your physical tether to your mother, my statement wasn’t that profound. Since then however, I've pondered its broader significance.
I was born into a family with deep religious roots. Part of their tradition is to circumcise male progeny on their eighth day. When I was twelve years old, I attended a "bris" - a Jewish ritual celebrating the surgical marking of a male Child of Israel. If it were a simple marking, like writing a Star of David onto the child's hospital wristband, or even a more primitive tattoo of some sort, I might have been able to join in the festive spirit of the others in attendance. There was a ceremonial wine toast, blessings, good wishes and smiles. I don't think that I smiled at all. I am certain that my next-door-neighbors' newborn, Adam, did not not smile. He cried in agony. Why others didn't seem to pay much mind to his pain was a mystery to me. We all witnessed the same rite -- a child strapped down against his will, and ceremoniously deprived of a part of his body with ultra-sensitive nerve endings.
I viewed this sacrifice as horrific. I was certain that any dismissal by an adult that it doesn't really hurt the child, or not for long, was an out-and-out lie. As traumatic as it might be for any empathetic soul to watch, in no way did it compare to the trauma experienced by the "celebrated" child. I didn't know then if I would ever attend another bris. I certainly didn't look forward to it.
Ever since I could remember, I always wanted to have children myself. Granted, it took me longer than most to start. When I learned that this was to be, I was ecstatic. Though either gender was most welcome, I admitted to myself and your non-Jewish mother, that I preferred a daughter partly because I wouldn't have to deal with the dilemma of whether or not to follow my culture's tradition. I knew my own gut feelings but I acknowledged that there would be familial expectations and pressures. I was relieved of having to make a firm decision when I was blessed with a daughter.
Fortunately, the story doesn't end there, or there wouldn't be a story and there wouldn’t be you. Three years later, fertile powers-that-be granted us 40+ year olds another welcome pregnancy. Though I knew which way I was leaning the first time around regarding potential circumcision, I hadn't been definitive. This time I didn't want to let fate give me an opportunity to cop out on the question: To cut or not to cut.
With your mother pushing the biological clock, there was an increased chance of problems with your birth. Rather than hoping you were a girl or a boy, we just wanted you to be a healthy baby with as an easy entry into the world as possible. And so you were -- a robust boy, and if truth be told, that was what I was hoping. As for whether or not to have you circumcised, I had already decided to keep you intact. In fact, phrasing it that way, makes the choice obvious to me. Why would we want to take any part of you away? So much care was taken while you were in your mother’s womb. Everyone did all they could to make your birth as smooth as it was. A birth is a miracle to witness and there is no other experience that has given me as much joy as the birth of you and your sister.
The instinct to protect you is primal. Of course I did allow your heel
to be pricked for the requisite blood sample. But there is a world of
difference between a prick that will heal quickly and completely, and one
that will forever be without what nature intended. As for the claim that it
doesn’t hurt much, or not for long -- how does one explain the claim that
some obstetric nurses can easily tell which newborn boys in their care have
been circumcised, simply by their irritability and hypersensitivity to even
the gentlest diapering for many days after the procedure?
For the past several generations, it has been common practice for most
baby boys in our society to be circumcised, Jewish and non-Jewish alike.
There were many rationalizations for this, but the medical establishment is
gradually reversing its stance of recommending it as a matter of course. I
don’t care to get scientific here, but suffice it to say, that the decision
not to circumcise you was very well-informed and what I truly believe is in
your best interest. If I had any doubt about it, they were sealed after I
read Questioning Circumcision: A Jewish Perspective. I will include
this book in your "time capsule" along with this letter for you to read when
you are a young man.
It was fascinating to understand how this practice came to be the norm, and why it ought be reconsidered to the point of an about-face. I won’t try to synopsize an entire book of inquiry and reasoning in this letter, but will point out one perspective that I hadn’t considered and that really hit home.
There were extremely disturbing testimonials from many mothers who experienced a drastic change in the bond they felt with their son after allowing him to be circumcised. They described how a deep and fulfilling connection with their son for the first eight days was figuratively severed with the literal severance. They felt that the child’s trust in them as their primary protectorate was lost and the child’s sense of unconditional security and affection never seemed the same afterward. One might choose to callously dismiss this notion as postpartum nonsense, but knowing how strong your mother’s empathy is for you, I would never wish the possibility of this kind of rift on her. This is not just a matter between father and son. The mother’s instinct should also be primary in this decision and I know what your mother’s is.
In Jewish culture, the father is ostensibly the one who is supposed to do the actual circumcision, but he is allowed to wiggle out of it by hiring a professional “mohel” to do the dirty work for him. I’m sure the percentages would change drastically if the deed had to be done firsthand, just as vegetarianism would if the carnivores had to do their own slaughtering. In due time, you’ll make up your own mind about lots of things in life, like whether or not to eat meat for example. |
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Susan, 8 day-old Avery Elazar and his newly planted apple tree. |
You and the others in our family are currently omnivores. While I opt for being vegetarian, at some point in your boyhood, I plan on slaughtering a chicken with you. Afterward, you are welcome to choose your own diet. And if you ever consider circumcising your own son, I strongly urge you to first witness a circumcision yourself.
A frequent reason given for circumcision is the father’s wish for his son to look like him. This irrational conceit boggles my mind. While I’m pleased that a physical resemblance can be seen between you and I, I’d stop short of pulling down our respective drawers and saying, “And check this out!” I find that notion as bizarre as the rationale. I trust that your mother will remain the one person who will be intimately familiar with both of our genitalia.
If I hope to be a model for you in other ways, it is reflected in my choice to not conform blindly to any strictures. The choice to keep you intact was not received without disappointment and disapproval from others in our family. I consider it a false challenge that making the decision not to circumcise is in effect making another decision, one that I and my son might later regret. I don't have that fear and I am thankful during every diapering when I fan your bottom to dry you and ask, “Who is your biggest fan?” You always laugh and we’re both tickled pink. Just like the spontaneous pronouncement that “you are your own man”, it has broader significance in retrospect. I want you to be your best “own man” that you can be.
If this sounds a bit like the recruitment slogan for the Army, I’d like to point out a major difference. In the army, you are trained to follow orders. Critical thinking is not an asset, nor is it fostered in boot camp. Do as you’re told. Yes sir. I don’t want you to ever call me sir. Yes, I want your respect, but I want to earn it, not demand it unconditionally. I hope to lead by example, and while you might not always follow mine, it is the best that I can offer.
I suspect that you will reject some of my examples along your path to manhood. While you might think your dad a prude for not having ever indulged in recreational drugs, I’d be glad to discuss why that is. Likewise, how come I never got a tattoo or an ear pierced? Son, we are so fortunate to be given the bodies we have, why mess with it? Speaking of which, in some of the Jewish perspective I read, it is felt that circumcision is actually a biological “improvement.” Follow that line of reasoning, and why not relieve ourselves of tonsils, appendices, and breasts before they become a problem?
Historically, circumcision was seen as a mark, setting Jews apart from the others. That one is certainly passe. It reminds me of a joke though. Moses is lead to Mount Sinai and given the Ten Commandments. God tells him that he is going to lead his people to the Land of Milk and Honey, where they will become numerous and a Great Nation, and in effect, they are indeed his Chosen People. Moses, replies that, “In return for all that, you want me to do What?!”\
Son, I would love for you to set yourself apart from others; not by what you do to your body, choose to wear, or whatever, but by your own independent thinking and accomplishments.
Conformity can lead people terribly astray -- in schoolyards, politics, and cultural tradition.
People rightfully look on the issue of female circumcision as horrifically barbaric. How a woman could do this to their own daughter is difficult to fathom. Why male circumcision isn’t similarly questioned, I don’t understand.
If I were to boil the whole question down, it might come to this: Would I rather subject you to an early trauma of unnnecessary pain, or allow you a lifetime of potentially increased pleasure au naturel? It has become a no-brainer for me. And while it is a common joke that the penis is indeed where men’s brains lie, I will leave you with as much intact to think and feel with. Which leads me to another Jewish line: Dayenu, which traditionally translates to “it would have been enough for us.” So, for all the above reasons and more: enough already.
In closing, let me add my take to another bit of Jewish lore. God allegedly told Abraham to sacrifice his only son. Personally, if I heard a voice telling me do something as abominable as that, I’d tell it to get lost. I wonder if Abe would listen to what his Rice Krispies told him to do also. Anyway, a hapless goat kid just happened to get stuck in a briar patch nearby just before the coup de grace. This Br’er Goat however did not escape by the hair of his chinny-chin-chin. No, instead the First Dad of the Jews took it as a sign that this Buttinski was an acceptable substitute for the boy who no doubt seriously questioned his father’s love for him by this time. This son went on to beget Yaakov which happens to be my Jewish name. I don’t know if there’s anything significant in that, but this Yaakov hopes that you never question your father’s love for you.
Jewish law states that if a gentile wants to convert to Judaism and already happens to be circumcised, he must still offer a small blood sacrifice. Having established that there is wiggle room in interpreting The Law, here’s the deal. If my culture still wants a blood offering to be made, it was made in your birthing. We have taken not just the symbol of that, but the tangible placental bridge between you and your mother, and planted it with an apple tree planted in your honor on your eighth day. May you both grow forth and be fruitful. And if you have even more pleasure in doing so than I, you can thank your non-conforming pop. L'chaim.
With all my love and best wishes for you forever,
Dad (aka Yaakov ben Elazar)
One year later. |
